


Insecurity

by Ikaripoid



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Might up the rating later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 16:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1612016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikaripoid/pseuds/Ikaripoid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rei, a college student, is pressured by his parents, pushing his stress levels through the roof.<br/>Makoto feels cast out by his childhood friend, and struggles with his loneliness.<br/>Somehow, they balance each other out, and it all works out in the end.</p><p>College AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unsteady Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei is overwhelmed by the expectations forced on him by his parents. Makoto is the awkwardly unneeded third wheel. Nagisa is kind of a frivolous asshole. (In the best way)

**Butterfly**

 

         Rei flung his smart phone across his small apartment. The sleek device landed in the middle of the black sheets adorning his nearly made bed, making a small dent in the otherwise perfectly smoothed bedspread. He fell into his desk chair, head swirling in a mix of anger, fear, and frustration. Flipping through his favorite physics book, his eyes skimmed the page, looking for a distraction from his current state of anxiety. Anything. _Anything at all_. After thirty minutes of trying, Rei had submitted to leaning back in his chair, raking a hand through his short hair. He tried to hold back the hot tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.

   Rei Ryugazaki was by no means a person who let negative emotions overtake his optimism, but at the moment he felt nothing would take him out of this rut. His thoughts jumped back to the conversation he’d had with his parents earlier, their hysteric voices piercing his confidence like dulled knives, with homophobic slurs and disappointed quips.

   They weren’t wrong, he had convinced himself, since it must have been a huge disappointment to find out that not only were they not going to have a doctor for a son, but said son was a fag. So they pretty much didn’t have a son at all. It wasn’t their fault for feeling compelled to shout at him for that, but rather his own fault for not complying perfectly to their demands, the same ones that they’d put upon him since he was a child.

_Rei, you’re going to become a doctor. Rei, you’re going to grow up to have a nice wife and two kids. Rei, you’re going to live in a pretty little suburban home with white picket fences around your wife’s roses._

These thoughts swirled through his head, breaking him down with every one. He didn’t want to be a doctor. He couldn’t be a doctor. He was failing biology in college. He wouldn’t be able to stand a cookie cutter house in a fakey neighborhood. Those roses wouldn’t be his wife’s. He _wouldn’t_ have a wife.

The young man bit down on his lip, hard, as his cheeks stained with tears, slowly at first, then streaming down his face in waves of anxiety and guilt. He didn’t mean to have them know. Not now, not ever.

Since he was born, Rei had grown up in a perfect household, with a mother, a father, and an older sister. They lived in a large, spotless mansion, kept tidy by the maid, since both of his parents had other things to deal with, things much more important than taking care of their own house and their own children. Rei’s father busied himself in his work, the CEO of a large medical supply company, and his mother devoted her time to keeping up her public image, socializing in country clubs and making sure every hair on her head was kept picture perfect.

He’d never felt close to anyone in his household, not even his sister, who used all her effort on snagging the attention of rich marriage candidates and denying the existence of her nerdy little brother. The little brother that wore thick frames and always kept to himself, reading about mathematical calculations in application to the real world. The same little brother whose eyes always followed the high school's quarterback rather than the head cheerleader.

Rei was jolted out of his tears for a minute by a buzz. He crossed the room to pick up his phone off the bed, silently hoping it wasn’t his parents as he checked the lighted screen.

 

**From: Nagisa**

 heyyyy reirei, meet me at the rockhopper rn, kay?

 

Thankful for the distraction, Rei slipped the phone into his pocket, pulled on his favorite blue blazer, and left his apartment.

 

 

 

**Orca**

 

“I wouldn’t have to do that if you’d fucking stayed still!” The redhead in front of Makoto playfully teased.

“You bit me.” The boy sitting adjacent to said redhead with abnormally sharp teeth blatantly pointed out, referring to the pink bite marks on his finger.

“If you’d ‘ve stayed still and let me eat it out of your hand, I wouldn’t have, Haru.” Rin stuck his tongue out childishly at his boyfriend.

Makoto awkwardly looked down, trying to focus on the homework they were supposed to be getting done. Instead, his deadpan childhood friend and shark boy were flirting in that weird way that they did and didn’t at the same time. He tried to focus his attention on the math assignment in front of him, and almost finished the problem when the two in front of him started up again.

“Hey, Haru, you make fun of my teeth, but I know you like them.” Rin crooned huskily into Haru’s ear. Makoto could see the latter’s eyes shift towards the cocky smiling face as he flushed a barely noticeable pink.

The three of them were sitting in Makoto and Haruka’s dorm room, sitting on the floor around the square coffee table, studying. However, it seemed pretty obvious that at least Rin was hardly interested in doing homework, and instead attempted to distract Haru.

“Whatever.” The dark haired boy mumbled, looking away from the source of his embarrassment.

For as long as Makoto could remember, it had always been just Haru and himself, just the two childhood friends practically attached at the hip (even though Makoto’s hips were much higher off the ground than Haru’s, technically making that near impossible), never seen without the other. That is, until the reckless and passionate Rin Matsuoka had burst into their lives, the grumpy coffee shop worker that had somehow charmed the formerly uninterested Haruka Nanase into dating him, leaving Makoto in an awkward position as the childhood friend that just happened to be there. The third wheel.

“Did you do Professor Amakata’s assignment yet?” The gentle giant attempted to make his presence known to the other two in his dorm room, glancing at both of them in hope of some sort of recognition.

He was greeted by silence. Rin looked sheepish, whereas Haru looked up at him with that look that meant ‘ _I know you’ll help me, right_?’

Makoto sighed, knowing fully that he’d have to help them both, sometime or another.

“Do you need help…?” He offered hesitantly, already predicting their responses. Haru would silently push it towards him, as to mean ‘Explain please’ and Rin would grin and rapid fire twenty questions at once…

“We’ll do it later.” Makoto hadn’t expected that response, and not from Haru, especially.

“O-okay.” He stuttered out, recovering from the rejection he was hardly used to.

“I’m hungry, let’s order a pizza.” Rin pulled his phone from his pocket, opening the Domino’s app.

“I want pineapple. And-“ Haru started.

“Mackerel, I know.” Rin finished, pecking his significant other on the lips. Makoto was perfectly okay with little displays of affection if it stopped there. But oh God, it did not stop there. It hardly ever did.

Haru grabbed Rin’s shirt, engaging in another kiss, but far from chaste. The two of them tumbled onto the floor, grasping at each other, pizza and Makoto long forgotten.

Instead of trying to intervene, Makoto just picked up a jacket, awkwardly slipping out the door without a sound, save for the click of the door behind him.

 

 

**Butterfly**

 

Rei made his way through the crowd dancing to near deafening music rumbling through the bar.

The Rockhopper was Nagisa's favorite bar. It was likely because of the lively vibe and the thrumming music, but it just as easily could have been because the mascot was a penguin. That meant that they spent an unnaturally long amount of time there, Nagisa because of obvious reasons, and Rei because he was dragged there against his will more than half of the time.

Usually, Rei would uncomfortably try to squirm past the dancing bodies, but today he just really didn't give a shit. The bespectacled man, taller than a majority of the bar's customers, stormed his way through the mass towards a familiar head of mussed blonde hair.

"Hey, Reirei!" Nagisa greeted him, with a fruity cocktail already half drunk in his hand. Rei ignored the dumb nickname, plopping himself into the cushioned barstool beside Nagisa, ordering a shot of tequila from the bartender.

"What's up?" Nagisa leaned closer to Rei, eyebrows raised. "You usually get the gay as hell drinks, so there's something too straight about you right now."

"I _wish_..." Rei grumbled, downing the shot in one gulp, immediately regretting it as it burned down his throat. "If only I were straight..."

"Oh. My. God. Something happened." Nagisa scooted closer to Rei, so he was staring at him eye-to-... Huge fucking eye glasses. "You're usually too gay to function."

"You shouldn't say anything." Rei quipped, turning away from the obnoxious blond and ordering another shot.

"I'm too _bisexual_ to function." Nagisa corrected, taking a swig of his cocktail. Rei dismissed him and took another shot with the same burning regret.

"But what's up? Like, seriously." Plunking his now empty glass on the counter, Nagisa focused his eyes on Rei.

"My sister outed me..." Rei muttered, "to my parents."

"What the damn hell! What a bitch." Nagisa's eyebrows knit in the center of his forehead.

"Say no more, _mi compadre_ , we're getting that negativity out of you tonight!" The blond vowed, causing the edges of Rei's mouth to twitch upwards, just a bit. Nagisa called over the bartender, a sort of shy looking man with a baby face and a strange looking gray bowl cut.

"Ai, My friend here will take the gayest drink you have!" The nervous bartender nodded, hands jittering a little bit as he mixed up the most colorful and fruity looking drink Rei had ever seen.

"H-here." Aiichirou shakily placed the beverage in front of Rei, chewing on his lip a little and blushing about 50 shades of red. "I-I-I hope you cheer up soon... It's... Best when you smile!"

Slightly confused, Rei thanked him, and he left to tend for another customer.

"Ooh! Let's get you laid; I bet Ai would gladly sleep with you!" Nagisa shook Rei's shoulders, causing some of the fruity monstrosity to splash on Rei's nice blazer.

"I'd rather not." Rei coughed.

"Ooh, I get it, you're a bottom. Let's see... Uh..." Nagisa scanned the bar. "That guy!"

Rei turned around on his stool to look at one of the tallest people he'd ever seen in real life.

"Oh _God_ , no." Rei paled. If dick size was proportional to height... Not that he was even considering it.

"Oh, actually I know him!" Nagisa grinned ominously, moving his eyebrows up and down in a way that made Rei extremely uncomfortable. "Mako-chan! Over here!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the first time I've seriously sat down and written fanfiction oh gott akajsfalkj
> 
> ok i lied  
> i wrote it during english class when they were talking about weird things i can't erase from my mind but w/e
> 
> and maybe nitori has the tiniest little crush on rei idk
> 
> I can't wait for school to be done


	2. Converging, Diverging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa leaves Rei and Makoto to talk. Light information is exchanged, but both still have no idea of the other's pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I thought.

Chapter 2: Converging, Diverging

 

**Orca**

 

After leaving his and Haru's dorm, Makoto wandered through the streets aimlessly, staring absentmindedly at the brightly lit shop fronts, which seemed to only get brighter as he kept walking. What ended up catching his eye was a comparatively plain looking gray bar. The lighted sign above read "The Rockhopper". Makoto shrugged and entered the building.

Contrary to the outside, The Rockhopper was all bright lights and loud noises inside. Makoto cringed a little bit, trying to squish past all the people. He felt a few grabbing at his rear end, but he brushed it off because everyone was packed tighter than a sardine can.

"Mako-chan! Over here!" Makoto heard a familiar voice, tracking it to a short blond jumping up and down on his bar stool.

He began pushing his way through the crowd, eventually ending up at the desired destination. _Eventually_.

"Nagisa, hi." Makoto greeted Nagisa, a little relieved to find a friend in the unfamiliar bar.

"Mako-chan! Long time no see!" Nagisa hopped out of his seat to squeeze Makoto's middle, since he couldn't exactly reach any higher.

"The last time I saw you was high school, right?" Makoto smiled. Nagisa grinned back, letting go of the much taller man, before pulling on Rei's shirt, practically shoving him into Makoto.

"This is Reirei!" Nagisa chirped, making an unnecessary effort to smush them together.

"I'm sorry-" Rei backed away from Makoto, pushing the edges of his red frames up on his nose. He looked down, avoiding eye contact.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Makoto Tachibana." He extended a hand to Rei, who hesitantly shook it.

 

**Butterfly**

 

"Rei Ryugazaki." Rei curtly replied.

"So are you..." Makoto glanced at Nagisa, then back at Rei, eyebrows raised. It took a second for it to register for Rei, but before he could speak up, Nagisa interjected.

"Haha, Rei??" Nagisa dropped down to the floor, clutching his stomach. "He's so... So... Dorky!"

Makoto could see Rei glowering at the hysterical shorty.

"And what's so bad about that?" Rei retorted. Makoto suppressed a chuckle.

"Soooo… not ever… gonna happen!" Nagisa squeaked out in between bursts of laughter.

Both Rei and Makoto stared at Nagisa as he picked himself off the floor and excused himself to chase after a particularly attractive brunette, pushing Rei into Makoto once again as he left. Nonchalantly. As in throwing out his hip into Rei, who stumbled onto the poor giant of a man once again.

"You okay?" Makoto smiled down at Rei. Jesus, the height difference.

"Y-yes, thank you..." Rei straightened himself out, finally looking up at Makoto. Upon closer study of his features, Rei could see that he wasn’t bad looking at all. Gentle eyes and nice cheekbones and soft looking hair that looked nice to run your hands through, with soft looking tender lips… Not that Rei was thinking about that. At all. That’s a lie.

He kept on staring at all the alluring facial features of the older man until said subject in question cleared his throat awkwardly. Rei quickly snapped out of his trance.

“So… Uh… I’ve never been here. What’s good?” Makoto picked up one of those triangle shaped menu things that had a short list of alcoholic beverages. A trifold? Or something.

“I don’t really know.” Rei admitted, biting his lower lip a little. “Alcoholic beverages aren’t particularly my forte. That’s more Nagisa.”

Makoto chuckled, a sort of higher pitch than expected of a man his size, but captivating and adorable nonetheless. Rei could see the little creases by Makoto’s eyes when he smiled. _He must smile a lot_ , he noted.

“What’s that?” Makoto gestured to the fruity monstrosity Rei had almost forgotten about, sitting on the bar counted.

“To be honest, I don’t really know.” Rei picked the long and thin tapered glass up and took a sip of its contents, whatever it was. “It’s not horrible though…”

“It looks colorful, at least.” The little eye crinkles appeared again, and Rei observed over the rims of his glasses that Makoto’s eyes were slightly slanted in a puppy dog sort of way, at a relative angle of about 7 degrees, give or take.

Makoto turned his attention towards the bartender, who skittered his way over to the two. Rei’s eyebrows knit in the center of his forehead as he saw Makoto order, deepening more and more until Nitori gently placed a glass in front of Makoto. Completely unfazed by Rei’s questioning expression, he handed over a few bills, including a generous tip. Nitori smiled back, then rushed off to cater to other customers.

“Hm, very fruity.” He commented, after swallowing a little of the gay rainbow of alcohol. “Actually, it kind of burns-“ Makoto broke off into a coughing fit, and Rei awkwardly patted his back in a totally no-homo way.

“I don’t think-“ _Mild hacking_. “…alcohol is my thing.”

“It’s okay, it might become mine soon.” Makoto, having recovered from his temporary asphyxiation, looked at Rei with concern as the words slipped from the latter’s mouth. “Never mind.”

“Okay.”

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. Really.” Makoto reassured. “But if you just want to get things off your chest, I’ve got plenty of time, and a reasonably functioning set of ears.”

Rei decided in that moment, that Makoto was one of the best things to happen to him in a long time.

 

**Orca**

 

Makoto hardly ever stayed out late. He was a good child, who returned home early and went to bed exactly when his mother told him to. Even at college, he was always back in his and Haru’s dorm room by eight-thirty at the latest, a time set and abided by himself. His childhood friend, on the other hand, came and went as he pleased, and sometimes when he didn’t please, but was dragged out somewhere by Rin, returning in the ungodly hours of the morning. Or sometimes noon the next day.

But today was the first time in possibly forever Makoto had broken his own rule.

He had found that Rei was quite the fascinating person, despite his impermanence at first. Before he knew it, Makoto had spent several hours conversing with Rei, finding out all sorts of things. About the economy, about physics and the laws of gravity, and some personal information, among other things. From their exchange, Makoto had found out that Rei was one year his junior, living in an apartment by himself near the college where he was a premed student. They had found that Makoto was taking classes for neurophysiology (being a physical therapist seemed like a good career) in the same building as most of Rei’s classes.

As the night progressed, so did Rei’s drunkenness. At one point, he’d started crying and mumbling incoherently, to which Makoto had no response but to pat the other’s back. There was something wrong, but he couldn’t decipher enough to completely understand, aside from the words _parents_ and _doctor_. Maybe Rei would explain later. When he wasn’t, you know, dripping with tears and snot.

When they had finally left the bar, it was about one in the morning. The two exchanged phone numbers, and had went their separate ways, Rei to the his apartment and Makoto to his dorm. Makoto, for one, left with a shred of loneliness upon parting, but a smile on his face.

He looked up at the street lights, which gave off a hazy light in the fog. The frost colored his nose and ears a light dusting pink, and his warm breath left trails in the cool air. It was getting close to Christmas, and the winter temperatures had dipped considerably. Makoto wondered, absentmindedly, if he’d celebrate with Haru again this year, or whether his childhood friend would rather spend it with his new boyfriend. The thought gave him a hole-like sensation in the pit of his chest.

But Rei. The bespectacled man suddenly popped into Makoto’s head. As he made his way back to the dorms, Makoto entertained himself with thoughts of spending more time with his new acquaintance. Or could he consider Rei a friend? Mulling over that thought, Makoto pushed the door open, stepping into the warm room.

“…Ah.” Rin’s voice was the first thing that hit Makoto. It took a moment for the image in front of him to load, but as soon as it clicked, Makoto flushed a deep red, turning right back around and rushing out the door.

They had been getting…

 _Intimate_.

Very much so.

Makoto took the opportunity to calm down, breathing the crisp winter air. After a few minutes, Haru opened the door to let him in. The raven haired boy had never been particularly expressive, and to anyone else, he would have seemed fairly indifferent, but the tips of Haru’s ears were tinged pink and his gaze was cast downward. He was embarrassed. And apologetic.

Rin, on the other hand, hardly seemed sorry at all, despite the ‘sorry’ he had dropped Makoto’s way on his way to the shower. Makoto sat himself on his bed. Haru plopped down by his feet, handing him one of the two mugs of tea he was holding. Taking it, Makoto thanked him quietly, and for a little while, they sat in silence. Water hitting the floor could be heard from the adjoining bathroom, where Rin was showering, but there wasn’t a sound besides that. Then Haru spoke.

“Where were you?”

“Out.” Makoto replied, not quite feeling like talking. Haru silently acknowledged this unwillingness, but his eyes reflected concern. Makoto forced a smile, which seemed to appease Haru well enough.

Rin returned, and soon Haru left Makoto’s side, leaving a hollow sensation in the pit of his stomach. Makoto set the mug on his bedside table and buried himself in his duvet, not bothering to wash off the scent of alcohol or loneliness.

 

**Butterfly**

 

The phone buzzed and blinked from its place on the desk. Rei, who had been sleeping, groggily trudged from the bed, regretting his earlier decision to consume alcohol. It wasn’t much, but it was still enough to send his head into splitting pain. The phone buzzed again, and a jolt of pain shot through Rei’s head. He finally reached the desk and checked the caller ID.

 

**Incoming Call**

Mother

 

He scowled, shoving the offending device into a drawer, willing it to stop vibrating. He wasn’t up for this. He couldn’t put up with this.

After the longest minute of Rei’s life, it stopped. Silence enveloped the room. Taking a breath and calming his anxiety, Rei made his way to the bathroom to find some Tylenol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop reading JeanMarco fics long enough to update this dear lordie
> 
> Thank you to the people bothering to read this thing (; 7 ; )/ It's much appreciated
> 
> Not much plot wise has happened, but hopefully that will change, haha
> 
> Also, please please leave a comment, whether it be a simple hi or a critique, or your headcanons, or whatever. My life is kind of taking a turn downwards in terms of stress, so anything to distract from that would be wonderful ;o;
> 
> Please note that I know nothing about alcohol and college and gyheahjg
> 
> I want to write a JeanMarco fic.
> 
> -イカリ


	3. Sorting and Sifting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei tries to figure out his life, and Makoto takes comfort in a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I thought.

 

 

**Orca**

Makoto awoke with a groan and the lingering stench of fruity alcohol. Wrinkling his nose, he groggily headed for the shower, nearly running into the doorframe in his haze. Still half-asleep, he automatically brushed his teeth and relieved his bladder. Finally, with some difficulty, he managed to peel off his day-old clothing and step into the nicely warmed shower stream. His consciousness began to slowly return to him as the water warmed him, and the soap washed away the grimy feeling of skipping his nightly shower.

As he showered, memories of the previous night resurfaced. Haru and Rin enveloped in their own world, Haru and Rin ignoring his presence, Haru and Rin skin to skin on the dorm room floor… Makoto cringed despite himself, hot tears threatening to spill from his eyes. But then there was Rei. Rei, who seemed to have his own problems, but somehow made Makoto feel so much better. He hadn’t been completely sure whether the warm feeling in his chest last night was from the alcohol or the companionship of the bespectacled man, but thinking about Rei somehow calmed him. (Besides, it’s not as though he’d consumed all that many cocktails anyways. Just the one.)

Makoto twisted the shower handle, shutting the water off, and pulled his towel off the rack. After quickly wiping the water off of his body, he buried his face in the fluffy green fibers and took a deep breath, mentally prepping himself for the day. Normally, he wasn’t one to take a morning shower, but it felt pretty good.

Quietly humming to himself, Makoto returned to the main room with his towel wrapped around his waist, pulling a set of clothes out of his drawers. Haru and Rin were still asleep, the latter with his sharp-toothed mouth wide open and snoring softly. Haru, on the other hand, was sleeping as still and silently as a dead fish. Looking at them sent a stabbing feeling through his chest, so Makoto quickly threw on his jeans and soft green sweater and returned his towel to its rightful place in the bathroom.

Being careful not to wake up the two still sleeping, the tall man slipped on his shoes and grabbed his bag and scarf, and slipped out the door. He started towards his first class, but after checking his watch, decided that it was about two hours too early and opted to get coffee and breakfast instead. His stomach told him that a blueberry scone and a caramel latte would be nice.

He went to the usual shop, a nice sized place that was especially popular with the students because of its close proximity to the college. Sharkbait Café. It had a sort of marine theme to it, which was odd for a coffee shop, with an anchor adorning the back wall and paintings of sea creatures along the wall behind the baristas. The others were made of glass, sea glass hanging in strands from the ceiling, filtering soft colored light in. As Makoto entered through the two glass doors, he inhaled the scent of fresh coffee and felt a bit of relief.

He immediately headed to the empty counter to order himself his breakfast. As he waited by the pick-up counter, he scanned the surroundings. There were a few students here and there tapping at a laptop or a tablet or reading a book in one of the café’s comfy chairs or cozy booths. His look-over stopped, gaze falling on a familiar head of dark hair, surrounded by literal stacks of books and notes.

“Number 26?” Makoto graciously took the cardboard coffee cup and paper bag from the employee, smiling and dropping a few dollars into the tip jar.      

Equipped with his sweet latte and warm blueberry scone, he approached the booth in the corner.

“Good morning, Rei.”

 

 

**Butterfly**

 

Rei looked up from his notes, meeting a pair of comforting green eyes. He lost himself in them for a moment, gazing at the sparkling irises, before he caught himself, hurriedly averting his eyes back down to his notes. No homo, Rei. No homo. Hah, as if. 

"You look busy." Makoto commented, observing the stacks of textbooks and note pads.

"Not really, just studying." Rei tried to tidy up the piles and push them aside. "Please, have a seat."

"Thanks." 

There was a minute or two of slightly awkward silence.  Rei contemplated whether or not to crack open another medical book, but the thought made him want to cry. Luckily, Makoto spoke up.

"So, you're studying to become a doctor?"

"Yes..." Unfortunately, Rei added in his head.

            "Last night, though, you said something about being a physicist or a mechanical engineer?" The older man struck straight to the point, without much hesitation. Yet strangely, it didn't sound intrusive or presumptuous, just concerned. 

"It's my parent's choice." Rei finally said, avoiding the understanding gaze of the other man. "Being a doctor, that is."

"I know I just met you, but..." Makoto took a sip of his coffee. "You seem pretty unhappy."

Rei finally mustered the courage to look Makoto in the eyes. Doing that was almost fatal, though. Makoto's eyes, slightly slanted, gave him the look of a gentle dog, like the one Rei had as a kid. Before his mother decided that "the mutt was a bother" and gave him away.

Biting his lower lip, Rei reached for a notebook and tugged out the partially filled major change request form.

"I was going to change, but-" He cut himself off. Did he really want to burden a near stranger with his problems? Maybe. Maybe not. "Things happened."

"May I?" Makoto gently took the form, looking it over. "If you've gotten this far, I don't see why not. Besides, if it's really not the right choice, you can always change, right? But it seems like this is for the better."

He set it back down in front of Rei.

"At this point, it's more important to do what makes yourself happy, and I'm sure it's much easier to work doing something you love than something only your parents love. Your parents should be proud if you're following your dreams." Makoto finished his short speech before turning a light pink. "I mean, not to be cheesy or anything..."

"No, I understand." Rei nodded. “I just… have to think things over a bit.”

The older man said nothing, simply nodding and taking another sip of his latte.

The two spent the next 10 minutes in companionable silence. Just as Makoto finished off his scone, Rei stood up, gathering up his books and shoving them into his large, worn down messenger bag.

“I’m going to class.” Rei said quietly, to which Makoto responded by getting up and pushing in his chair, smiling down at the younger one.

“Let me walk you there, then.”

“Th-that would be wonderful, thank you.”

What a gentleman.

 

 

**Dolphin**

Haruka sat on the bed opposite from Makoto, trying to decipher the reason for his sudden burst in happiness. After a long day of classes, Makoto usually looked no more enthused than the regular college student. But he was so much more… Peppy.

Makoto had spent the last half hour with a smile stretched across his features, staring down at his phone. What was so interesting was beyond Haru’s understanding.

Was it cat pictures? No, too much typing.

Google searching? Too much smiling.

Was he ordering a mackerel pineapple pizza?

Yes. That's what he must have been doing, making sure the cook distributed the pineapple across the cheese better than the crappy job they did last time.

That must be it.

Haruka nestled himself back into his pillows, picking up his swimsuit catalogue, and indulging himself in admiring the subtle yet elegant designs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 4 AM and I want ravioli.
> 
> http://ikarithegreat.tumblr.com


	4. Coming All Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rei becomes more comfortable and Makoto becomes less comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been almost a year
> 
> good job me
> 
> way to go
> 
> A+ at committing to stuff
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: just to clarify it's been almost a year since i've updated this 
> 
> not been almost a year since i started
> 
> i'm not that responsible

**Butterfly**

As the days passed, Rei was happier.

Much happier.

Over the past few weeks, Rei had sorted out his life. Changed his major to something he actually wanted to do, successfully ignored the incoming calls from his parents wanting to convert him with some kind of bogus “anti-gay” program, and texted Makoto. A lot.

Even though the two were in different majors, in different schools, somehow they always found the other accessible and easy to contact. Even when they couldn’t meet physically, there was always an ongoing conversation.

Rei found himself checking his phone everywhere, all the time. And when he did, there was usually a message from Makoto gracing his screen, dotted with the occasional emoji. (Makoto, as Rei had discovered, took to using quite a bit of them, though not nearly as much as Nagisa’s nearly unreadable texts)

The conversation which held Rei’s attention as he sipped at his coffee in his dorm room at 8:00 PM brought an unavoidable goofy grin to his face as he tapped out replies to Makoto.

**Makoto**

this is the third mackerel sausage pineapple pizza i’ve had this week! >___<

 

**Rei**

Is Rin over again?

 

**Makoto**

yeah. >___> it’s great that he and haru compromise and all, but this compromise pizza is a little overwhelming.

 

Rei chuckled a little to himself.

 

**Rei**

You say compromise, but isn’t it just Haru’s toppings with another added on?

 

He thought a little bit before sending out another.

 

**Rei**

But if you ever feel like you’ve been eating too much pizza, you can always eat with me.

 

**Makoto**

haha, yeah. Haru’s pretty good at manipulating Rin. (;; •__•)

and thanks! maybe I’ll do that next time. c :

 

**Rei**

At least they have a good relationship though.

 

**Makoto**

true. though Rin sure spends a lot of time here. he might as well live here. :/

 

**Rei**

Well, I think it’s just as well that he doesn’t. Besides, if he lived there, you wouldn’t be able to bring your girlfriend to your dorm.

 

Biting the inside of his cheek, Rei gingerly tapped ‘send’. He knew what he was doing. It was the same routine as always. Never ask outright if he has a girlfriend, always imply that he does, so you don’t get your hopes up and fall for a straight guy.

The (…) that followed was probably the longest five seconds of Rei’s life.

 

**Makoto**

haha girlfriend? i don’t think i’d still be here if i had one. (  —７—)ノ i’m pretty dedicated to my role as the third wheel haha.

 

Rei’s heart surged despite himself. It took a few moments for Rei to remind himself that ‘single doesn’t mean not straight’, though the grin didn’t fade from his face.

Until his phone buzzed, and his eyes glanced across Makoto’s new message.

 

**Makoto**

do you have one? a girlfriend, that is.

 

            There was a moment of sudden crashing realization that he had never come out to Makoto. Rei’s heart sunk, quite possibly past his toes and well on its way to the depths of his grave.

            He knew that Makoto wasn’t homophobic, or else he’d be unable to deal with Rin’s presence, so there was always that. But what if he thought that Rei would hit on him? What if Makoto avoided Rei because of his “different lifestyle”? Or… What if he was the type to set him up with other guys just “because they’re gay”? Or only talk about how “supportive of Rei he was” like a broken record? Would he publicly take Rei out of the closet?

            Or what if he wanted to stop being friends?

            Rei could feel the anxiety twisting his stomach into knots, his head throbbing in fear of being alienated or hated. But there was also the slightest feeling that he could put his trust in Makoto.

            Chewing on his already abused bottom lip, Rei sent his reply.

 

            **Rei**

            Actually… I’m gay.

 

            There was a lack of instantaneous reply from Makoto and the dread built up in Rei’s stomach once more.

            _I shouldn’t have done that. Rei, why did you do that? He’s going to leave you. The best person you’ve ever known is going to think you’re weird and avoid you._ _You idiot._

            As more and more self-deprecating thoughts crowded Rei’s mind from any possible positive outcomes, his phone vibrated, its violently grating sound eating at Rei’s self confidence and tearing his confidence to shreds.

 

            **Makoto**

            oh, ok. didn’t know, sorry : ) have a boyfriend then?

 

            All of the anxiety that Rei had built up had just been knocked down by Makoto’s rather underwhelming response. It felt strange to receive such a nonchalant answer, but strangely comforting at the same time. It made him feel… Normal.

 

            **Rei**

            No… I’m still rather far in the closet.

 

            **Makoto**

            hm, I see. btw, wanna get lunch tomorrow? ( • o •   )

 

**Rei**

Sure, that would be wonderful.

 

**Makoto**

            meet at sharkbait cafe at noon?

 

            **Rei**

            Got it, see you tomorrow.

 

            Rei went to sleep that night with a smile on his face.

 

 

**Orca**

           

            Makoto silently sat on his bed while Haru and Rin took suspiciously long in the bath.

            Rei was gay?

            Who knew.

 

**Butterfly**

 

Rei groggily felt around for his phone. It was 3:30 in the morning, and he didn’t have a 7:00 class that day, so why was he even trying to get up? Whatever anyone had to call him about could surely wait until a respectable hour, so why now? These sorts of questions ran through his head as he grappled for the source of the repetitive buzzing sounds. Finally locating it, he sat up, rubbing his eyes and answering the call to silence the offending buzzing noises.

“Reirei!” Nagisa’s shrill voice echoed in Rei’s ears.

“Nagisa, why?” Rei groaned into the phone, holding it a few inches from his ear to avoid hearing the heavy breathing of the baby-faced man.

“So I was just doing the usual, y’know, like partying and stuff? And I totally found a guy who swings your way who’s totally loose enough to hook up with you!”

“What…?” Rei could barely hear him over the thudding music in the background, and even though he got the gist of what Nagisa was saying, he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Nagisa was saying. “Can it wait until an hour when I’m not half asleep?”

“Oh poo, Rei, you crotchety old man. Live a little!” Rei’s ears rang from the ‘little’ whoop that the short man let out. “Now’s the time for the young to thrive!”

Rei, completely unwilling to listen to Nagisa’s crap at such an early hour, hung up the call, tossed his phone across the room, and buried himself back into the comfort of his bed.

 

**Orca**

 

It was the same recurring nightmare.

 

“Makoto.” Blue eyes shining at him, happier than ever before. “I have Rin now, so…”

He’d seen the same dream dozens of times by now, but it still caught him off-guard every time. Every time he wished it’d be different, but he knew it would always be the same. _I have Rin now, so I don’t need you. Goodbye, Makoto._

 _Goodbye_. That word always hurt him.

He wanted to shut his eyes, cover his ears, so he wouldn’t have to experience it again, but… Dreams don’t work that way. Dreams never work that way.

“Makoto… Thank you.”

This part was new. But likely to end the same. Ending with abandonment and loneliness.

“I have Rin now, so…” Haru smiled. “I’ll be okay. Be happy with Rei.”

Say what, now?

As Haru walked away with Rin, a hand grasped Makoto’s, gentle yet firm.

“You won’t be alone anymore.” Rei assured him, entwining their fingers together. “Neither of us will be.”

As dreams tend to do, the scene suddenly switched, to dim lights and satiny sheets. It was hot, and Makoto could feel sweat dripping down his face, fingers clawing at his back.

“Makoto-senpai… There…” Rei groaned from under him, voice hoarse. “… Love you…”

Makoto woke with a start, a mess of emotions and confusion in his head and an uncomfortable feeling in his pants.

“Crap…”

 

           

**Dolphin**

 

            Haru stirred from his sleep upon hearing a rustling noise on the other side of the room. Cracking open an eyelid, he could see Makoto pulling the sheets off his bed and putting them in a laundry basket.

            It was laundry day already? Washing the sheets seemed like a good idea, and there was a pile of dirty clothes in the corner, but… That could wait.

            Shutting both eyes, Haru flipped over and went back to sleep.

 

 

**Orca**

 

Makoto stood outside of the café, checking his phone every few seconds, nervously nibbling at the inside of his lip.

 _Why are you nervous anyways? What is there to be nervous about? It’s not like it’s a_ date _or anything. Is it a date? Don’t be silly, Makoto, of course Rei doesn’t think it’s a date, so why should you? It’s just studying. Right, studying._

A familiarly deep voice roused Makoto from his thoughts.

“Makoto-senpai! Sorry, were you waiting long?” Rei made his way over to Makoto, a faint smile on his face. Man, that was cute, the way the corners of his mouth just kind of tweaked up a little…

“Are you okay? You look a little warm.” A cool hand reached out, touching Makoto’s forehead, making him jolt in surprise. “If you’re not feeling well, we can always study some other time.”

“N-no, I’m fine.” Rei’s hand retracted, his eyes focused concernedly at Makoto through long eyelashes, lips gently parted in a slight pout… Wait. Makoto’s eyes snapped back to attention.

His eyes were hazing over and his heart was palpitating. Maybe he really was sick. But it would be rude to just leave now. Yeah. Social convention.

            “Okay, then where are we getting lunch?” Rei checked his watch. “I have a class at 2, so we should find someplace.”

            “Uh…” Makoto’s mouth felt dry. How did he normally act? Why was this so hard? “I heard there’s a.. uh… New café down the way, about a block over. Wanna try there?”

            “Sure.” The corners of Rei’s mouth curled upwards in a smile, and Makoto’s heart palpitated. Heart problems? “Lead the way.”

            _I should really see a doctor about this. It could be my grandfather’s heart failure or my mother’s high blood pressure._ Makoto could feel the sweat building up on the back of his neck. _Is it hot? Does 65 degrees count as hot? Makoto Tachibana, if you don’t stop sweating, Rei’s going to think you have some kind of gland disorder. He’s going to think you’re weird and he’ll stop hanging out with you and you’ll have no chance with him._

Makoto stopped in his tracks. _No chance?_

            “Is something the matter?” Rei asked, a concerned expression adorning his _oh so beautiful face._

            _Makoto Tachibana, you’re in love with him._


	5. Hello, Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love makes you behave differently, Makoto finds out.

**Butterfly**

“Is something the matter?” Rei’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. _Was Makoto-senpai sweating? He suddenly stopped, so maybe he has a fever?_

            After a moment of hesitation, Makoto stuttered out a weak ‘no’ before continuing to walk. Rei picked up his pace to match with Makoto’s large strides, which somehow had become more hurried, as if he were flustered. The taller boy said nothing for the rest of the brief walk to the café, which alarmed Rei, for usually Makoto enjoyed making leisurely small talk, but he brushed it off as Makoto feeling a bit unwell.

            Once they arrived at the café, a trendy, modern looking joint in the middle of town with a small patio, Makoto seemed to have regained his composure. He behaved normally as they enjoyed their lunch over a few math textbooks, with no signs of illness. Like usual, Makoto polished off his salad and sandwich, as well as the remainder of Rei’s. (To sustain his large muscled frame, Makoto ate quite a bit. It worked out, since Rei tended not to eat so much due to a sedentary lifestyle.) It brought relief to Rei, since a decreased appetite often indicated an abnormality in either physical or psychological wellbeing, and it seemed neither was the case. As such, he dismissed his worries and proceeded to engage Makoto in a thorough explanation on the basics of quantum calculus.

           

            **Orca**

 

            After they parted ways, Makoto breathed a sigh of relief. Hopefully he was able to act normally, despite being distracted intermittently by Rei’s eyes. He hadn’t quite been so self-conscious of Rei before, but he noticed himself subconsciously avoiding eye contact, to which he tried to hide by focusing on his garden salad. Perhaps he might’ve come off as a bit more of a voracious eater than usual, but it was better than creeping Rei out. Probably.

_Oh gosh, does Rei think I’m a pig?_ _Did I have something stuck in my teeth? Jeez, Makoto, keep it together. It’s not like it’s the first time you’ve liked someone… Oh wait, it is. Never mind. How do people cope with it?_

Questions flooded Makoto’s head on the walk towards the lecture hall. He’d figure out the answers in time.

Over the next few weeks, Rei began hanging around Makoto’s and Haru’s room more and more, and the small living space became quite lively with four people. Makoto no longer felt lonely or awkward being around Rin and Haru, and it was easier to study with Rei’s influence. Dinners also became more lively as Rei became more acquainted with both Rin and Haru. It was a lot easier for Makoto to behave normally as well with Haru and Rin around, and they soon became a tight-knit group of friends. As a sort of add-on to Rei, Nagisa began to show up for free meals (when Rei pointed out that Nagisa ate most of the food, he had to start paying, however).

Overall, it was probably the most fun Makoto had in years. Almost every day was enjoyable with the company of friends.

 

**Butterfly**

 

Rei sat at The Rockhopper’s bar next to Nagisa, slowly sipping at the brightly colored ‘fruity monstrosity’ in front of him. It was acquired taste, Rei realized, after Nagisa had taken to ordering them for Rei on a regular basis. It probably started as a joke, but he had started enjoying them, so it was hardly harmful.

“Sooooo, Reirei, have you slept with him yet?”

Rei choked, alcohol burning his throat as he tried coughing it out. After Rei’s brief coughing fit, Nagisa repeated his question.

“Have you and Mako-chan, y’know, done the do? Frickle fracked? Made the metaphorical beast with two backs? Fucked?”

“Nagisa!” Rei’s face flushed red, a bewildered expression adorning his face. “No- why do you- No!”

“Aw, I could’ve sworn you would’ve by now. Damn girl, you _slow_!” Nagisa took a swig of beer, plunking the mug back on the table.

“Nagisa, that’s sexist. You shouldn’t say such-“

            “Shouldn’t say what?” Makoto’s arm settled on Rei’s shoulder as he ducked into the conversation.

            “Oh, we were just talking abo-“ Nagisa started.

            “The social conventions of linguistic dialects in popular media!” Rei finished. _Way to go, Rei. That didn’t even make any sense. Those were just long words strung together._

            “Is that so?” Makoto chuckled, a light airy sound that Rei enjoyed so very much. “Sounds interesting.”

            _Oh thank goodness, he bought it._

            “Hey, what’s up?” Rin greeted the three, dragging a completely silent and slightly damp Haru by the hand. “Sorry we’re late, I had to pull him out of a fountain on the way here.”

            “You didn’t _have_ to.” Haru blatantly stated, staring at Rin with an expression like that of a pouty toddler.

            “It’s fine, we weren’t waiting long.” Rei assured Rin as Haru gave a defiant huff.

            “So how about ordering some wings or pork nachos or something?” Rin picked up the bar menu, looking it over. “I’m so sick of eating mackerel.”

            “Aren’t we all?” Makoto chuckled again, and Rei’s heart skipped a beat.

            “Oh yeah!” Nagisa suddenly burst out. “I have a friend who’s gonna meet us here, I almost forgot.”

            “Aw, forgot about me?” A smooth voice cut in.

            “Kisumi!” Rin suddenly grinned, rushing to give the pink-haired newcomer a handshake and a solid clap on the back.

            “Rin! Long time no see! Never thought you were Nagisa’s friend.” Kisumi returned, keeping a firm grip on Rin’s hand. “Haven’t seen you since high school.”

            Without a single word, Haru gripped Rin’s wrist, wrenching him away from Kisumi and dragging the sharp-toothed boy to a safe 6 feet away.

            “Ah, so who’s everyone?” Kisumi’s head tilted slightly to the right, giving a feigned innocent look as he turned his attention towards the rest.

            “Well, you already know Rinrin, that’s Haru-chan over there-“ Nagisa gestured.

            “No –chan. Just Haru.”

            “and that’s Mako-chan…”

            “Makoto Tachibana.” Makoto extended a hand. “Nice to meet you.”

            “Pleasure is mine.” Kisumi gave a dazzling smile as he took Makoto’s hand, shaking it cordially. Rei felt his chest tighten.

            “And this is Reirei!” Nagisa poked Rei in the ribs, successfully breaking Rei’s attention from Makoto and also possibly leaving a bruise. “Rei, I told you about Kisumi a while ago, remember?”

            “You did?” Rei sifted through his memory, trying to pick out when Nagisa might have mentioned a tall, pink-haired person, but nothing came to mind.

            “Yep, totally did.” The short blonde insisted, yet Rei couldn’t remember anything. He decided to brush it off as Nagisa’s usual negligence in remembering to tell Rei things, which honestly happened so often it was hardly surprising. Once, Rei ended up hosting a party in his apartment because Nagisa had neglected to tell him the one tiny little detail in which the club had closed and he was on his way with a group of at least 30 people. Neglected, that is, until Rei answered his door at three in the morning in his butterfly print pajamas to be greeted by none other than a short blonde and a bunch of intoxicated partygoers.

           

 

 

 

 

**Shark**

 

            Rin dragged Kisumi with him to a corner of the bar, ignoring the judgmental stare Haru was sending after him.

            “Hey, I know you’re planning something, and I just wanna let you know that Rei kinda has a thing for Makoto.” Rin nodded towards the bespectacled boy.

            “Really?” Kisumi glanced back at Makoto. “I would’ve guessed the other way around.”

            Rin raised an eyebrow, but said nothing to that remark.

            “But the point is that you should-“ As he was about to explain himself, Rin was interrupted by a vibration from his pocket. “Shit.”

 

            **Haru**

come back now or ur not going to see my ass for a month

           

            **Haru**

            im serious nagisa is trying to convince me to sell myself to a norwegian

businessman

 

            **Haru**

            norway is far

 

            “Ugh, Nagisa…” Rin groaned. “Anyways, you know what I mean, Kisumi.”

            Leaving it at that somewhat vague warning, Rin hurried back to give Nagisa a stern lecture on _how you can’t just sell other people’s boyfriends to Norwegian businessmen_.

 

 

**Kiss Me**

 

Kisumi grinned to himself.

            “Do I?” He chuckled under his breath. “Do I really know, Rin?”

            Kisumi sauntered over to where the tall, droopy-eyed man stood, in deep conversation with Rei. He casually leaned an elbow on Makoto’s shoulder, making sure Rei’s eyes were on him. And they were very much on him, jealous and anxious and conflicted. _Perfect._

            “So, I heard from Nagisa that you’re planning to become a physical therapist?” Kisumi drawled, looking up at Makoto with feigned fascination. He could feel Rei’s stares and _oh did it feel good._

            “Yeah, that’s the goal.” Makoto laughed sheepishly, humbly. “Eventually, anyways.”

            “Then,” Kisumi shifted his weight almost entirely onto the left elbow on Makoto’s shoulder, leaning into the taller man. “You must have _amazing_ hands.”

 

 

            **Butterfly**

 

            As Kisumi practically draped himself over Makoto, Rei finally remembered when Nagisa had mentioned Kisumi to him.

            _“So I was just doing the usual, y’know, like partying and stuff? And I totally found a guy who swings your way who’s totally loose enough to hook up with you!”_

            _Oh._ That must have been it.

            Panicking, Rei practically squeezed himself into the tight gap in between Kisumi and Makoto. He wasn’t even quite sure what he was doing; it was compulsive rather than logically planned, something that Rei really didn’t do. Until now.

            “S-so, uh…” Rei grappled for words. Now that he’d done something, he wasn’t exactly sure how to follow up on it. Or even somewhat sure how. “Can I get you a drink?”

            “No, I’m fine, thanks.” Kisumi smiled charmingly. Rei could feel his neck sweating. Pretty people are intimidating. At that moment, the song changed and Kisumi’s face broke out into a grin. “Oh, this is my favorite song! Come dance with me!”

            Rei nearly stumbled as he was grabbed by his sleeve and dragged into the undulating crowd of dancers. Looking back at Makoto with slight hope of rescue, he was crushed as Makoto only offered a gentle smile and a friendly wave.

 

 

            **Kiss Me**

 

            Kisumi had never heard this song before. But that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he had Rei in front of him, confused and slightly dazed, and Makoto halfway across the room watching them.

            Makoto didn’t seem the type to be anything other than friendly and good-natured, but there was always potential. And did Kisumi want to try.

            “Come on, Rei, dance with me!” Kisumi grasped both of Rei’s hands, attempting to release the boy from the nervous frozen state he was in.

            “B-but I don’t know how to dance!” Rei shouted back over the thundering music. “I’m not sure what any of these people are doing.”

            Either this boy was absolutely clueless, or he was a master at luring men in, Kisumi figured the former.

            “I’ll show you, like this.” Rei watched Kisumi dance for a few moments, still dumbfounded.

            “Again, I’m not sure what that is.”

            “Oh fine, here.” Kisumi moved behind Rei, placing his hands on Rei’s hips. He could see the bespectacled man’s ears turn red, even in the dim lighting of the dance floor. _Hah, so amusing._ “Move your hips, like you wanna make love to the air.”

 

 

            **Orca**

           

            Makoto watched as Kisumi _literally grasped Rei’s hips,_ almost grinding into the poor flustered boy. Oh no. Oh _hell_ no.

            As someone with a relatively easy-going attitude, Makoto was hardly the type to get mad or be possessive. Only a few times in his life had he ever yelled at someone, and never had he felt the urge to use violence against anyone.

            Until now, that is.

            As Kisumi further invaded Rei’s personal space, Makoto restrained his newly recognized instinct to rush over, haul Rei over his shoulder, and angrily _stomp on Kisumi’s foot. Lightly. As to not break anything. Yeah, this violence thing was definitely new._

            The song ended, and a new one come on, a sensual beat thudding across the dance floor and through Makoto’s bones. As Kisumi moved in on Rei, stroking the other’s hips with wandering hands, Makoto felt something snap. _Okay, no. Not happening._ He stormed, yes _stormed_ , across the room, grasped Rei’s hand, and without even a friendly goodbye, left the building with Rei in tow.

            “Makoto-senpai-“

            “What were you doing?!” Makoto suddenly burst out, letting go of Rei’s hand and swiveling to look him in the eye.

            “I don’t underst-“

            “No! You know what you were doing! You were all over him, and letting him be all over you!” Even though the pain reflected in Rei’s eyes hurt him, he couldn’t stop. “Were you planning on going back with him and sleeping with him?! Because that’s what it looked like! Hell, it seemed like you would go ahead and do him in the middle of that song, beca-“

            Makoto stopped, words frozen. His cheek burned where Rei had slapped him.

            “Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with every man I see.” Tears were welling up in Rei’s eyes. The eyes that Makoto loved so much flickered with anger and pain. “I thought you were better than this, but I see that I was wrong.”

            Makoto tried to find words, any words, but all he could do was stare at Rei, regret hanging in his heart.

            “Well, you don’t have to be friends with this _manwhore_ anymore.”

           

 

 

            “Goodbye, Makoto.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have important things to do
> 
> so what do I do?
> 
> write fanfiction.


	6. Broken and Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything just sucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter
> 
> but here are angsty gays

**Orca**

 

            It had been three weeks, and Makoto was dead inside.

            He ate little, slept little, and functioned _very_ little. Altogether, he was a husk of a human being. Even Haru seemed lively by comparison.

            The conversation (if it could even be called that) that had transpired three weeks prior was one of four times in Makoto’s entire life that he had spoken (read: shouted) without thinking first, and _damn_ did he regret it. Rei had stopped texting him after that, and they hardly crossed paths at all normally. All the times that Makoto had sat in the Rockhopper, waiting for Rei, he had been met with nothing but the tiny enthusiastic blonde and a few sympathetic cocktails from the new bartender, a rather large man with dark hair, blue eyes, and rippling muscles.

            Makoto knew that it was his fault that Rei was avoiding him. Rei held no blame whatsoever. And that’s what hurt Makoto the most, knowing that he was a terrible human being.

 

            **Butterfly**

 

            “What? I-I don’t understand.” Rei sputtered into the phone.

            “Rei, you’re going to come home right now and marry Hanamura’s daughter if you want to save your reputation.”

            Rei’s reputation? _Bullcrap_. Leaving him speechless, Rei’s mother prattled on.

            “The Hanamura family is plenty wealthy, and Chigusa is a lovely girl. She doesn’t even mind that you’re in a… _Homosexual_ phase.”

            Rei gritted his teeth.

            “Mother, it’s not-“

            “Don’t you worry about school, we’ll have you enrolled in the private university nearby for Pre-Med. Your credits will transfer fine, and we’ll be able to _keep an eye on you_.”

            Unable to take it anymore, Rei burst.

            “ _No,_ Mother. I will not. I want to stay here, and I’ve already changed my major, and-“

            “You. _What._ ” Rei could practically feel his mother’s finely manicured nails digging into his skin with each punctuated word.

            “Mechanical engineering. I am majoring in mechanical engineering.”

            “Are you an _idiot_? What use is an engineer? Doctors have prestige and respect and _power_. Engineers have none of that! They have petty little pay compared to a surgeon, and they’re ugly little _mole people._ Rei, do you want to be a poor, lowly mole person?” His mother screeched into his ear. Rei grimaced, but kept listening.

            “Chigusa’s not going to want to marry an engineer, let alone a- a- a _homosexual_ engi-“

            “I’m not going to marry Chigusa, either.”

            “Well that’s just _all good and fine!_ It doesn’t matter anyways! Rei, you are cut off. I’ve never had a son, much less one that’s such a disappointing scar to society like you! How dare you, with all that I’ve done for you, is this how you repay me? By being-“

            “Goodbye, Mother.”

            “ _You_! How dare you address me-“

            Rei hung up, silencing his phone before collapsing face-first into his bed. After mulling over his current predicament briefly, he picked his phone back up, dialing a number on the touch-keypad.

            “Nagisa, I need to get drunk.”

 

**Penguin**

 

            In the three hours following Rei’s call, it had taken Nagisa fifteen minutes to get the two of them into a club, and the rest of the two hours and fourty-five minutes for Rei to get more than a little tipsy.  Initially, when the two of them had entered, there had been a few men _interested in_ Rei, because of his subjectively attractive face and physique, but it had only taken a few shots for Rei to open his mouth and successfully ward off everyone.

            “Reirei, maybe you might want to slow it down a little…?” As amusing drunk Rei usually was, Nagisa found this to be just, well, sad. And worrisome.

            “I don’t… Can’t… Ugh.” Rei groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I’ve been disowned.”

            “Rei…” Nagisa’s voice grew soft. “I’m sorry. Was it…”

            Blinking through verging tears, Rei murmured out a weak ‘yes’.

            “Oh, Rei… If I can do anything for you-“ The blond watched Rei with sympathetic eyes.

            “I… Know…” Rei’s voice quivered, almost a whisper. “Can I just…”

            “Absolutely.” Nagisa stood up from his seat, pulling on Rei’s arm. “Come on, this isn’t the place to drink away your worries, let’s go.”

            Once successfully maneuvering a staggering Rei to the Rockhopper, Nagisa dropped Rei onto a chair at the corner of the bar.

            “Ai, one of those fruity things for me, and a glass of water for him.”

            “Oh my goodness, what happened?” Ai fluttered over, a look of concern gracing his face. “Sousuke-senpai, could you get the drinks?”

            The tall, dark-haired man nodded, complying.

            “Is he okay? Do you need anything? Oh…” Ai paused. “Is it about Tachibana?”

            “What about Mako-chan?” Nagisa questioned, perplexed. Rei grimaced. “Did something happen?”

            “He’s been here almost every night.” Sousuke plunked the glass of water down in front of Rei, who took it gratefully. “Waiting.”

           

            **Butterfly**

 

            Waiting? What did ‘waiting’ mean? Waiting for Rei? To apologize? _As if_. _More drinks, please._

 

            **Orca**

 

            Sitting alone in his room, staring blankly at the ceiling, Makoto felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. _Rei?_

            He checked it.

           

**New message from: Nagisa Hazuki**

           

            Not Rei. He put it back in his pocket, resuming his loneliness. Haru had gone to stay at Rin’s for the night, and Makoto had tried his best to pretend he was okay and let Haru go. But he wasn’t okay. For the past, like, three weeks.

            A persistent series of buzzes forcibly separated Makoto from his thoughts. Frowning, he checked the caller ID.

 

            **Incoming call: Nagisa Hazuki**

 

            Any other person in the depths of regret and self-loathing would ignore the barrage of attempts at contact, but Makoto was not any other person. He was a horrible, rotten person who had ripped Rei’s heart out, ripped it to shreds, and walked on the tiny _tiny_ remains.

            But he picked up anyways.

            “Nagisa?”

            “Oh, hey Mako-chan. What’s up?” Nagisa, seemingly chipper as usual, answered.

            “What’s going on?” Makoto questioned, ready to hang up if it was something pointlessly bizarre.

            “Oh, uh… Well, it’s about Rei…” Makoto’s head shot up.

            “Rei? Is he okay? What’s wrong? Did something happen to him? Is he alright?” Makoto’s mind took him through all the possible worst scenarios that could have happened to Rei. Tripped and broken something? Gotten mugged? Tricked out of his money? Drugged?

            “Whoah, whoah, whoah. Rei’s fine, he’s just sort of passed out drunk, and he’s too heavy for me to carry.” Nagisa attempted to calm the panicked man over the phone, with little success.

            “What did you do to him!?”

            “Hey, I didn’t do anything! He just kinda drank himself under the table, no big.” Makoto didn’t seem to believe him, but Nagisa continued. “Anyways, you’re the only one I know who would be able to carry him home, so… Please?”

            “Sure, I guess… Where are you guys?” Makoto rushed to grab his coat.

            “The bar that’s like, a block away from where you live.”

            “Be there in a minute.”

 

            **Penguin**

 

            Hanging up, Nagisa turned to the unconscious Rei sprawled across the table next to him.

            “Boy, are you gonna wake up to a surprise, Rei-chan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a lot of other things going on (school, my store, college apps, etc) so updates are sparse whoops


	7. Life Anew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has a way of resolving things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been over a year (two years?) and im sorry

**Butterfly**

Rei blinked once, then twice, as the white ceiling came into hazy view. Sitting up, he felt a thudding pain in his head and let out a hiss of pain.

"Here, drink water." 

He accepted the glass gratefully, slowly sipping and letting the water soothe his parched throat, his head clearing up a bit from the mental fog it was in. His hands felt around for his glasses, and the same hand that had given him the glass of water handed over his red spectacles from the side table.

Sliding them on, Rei sighed as the room came into clearer view.

_Wait_. _This isn’t my room._ _Then who’s…_

"M-Makoto..." Rei's eyes turned up toward the man standing over him.

 

**Orca**

Makoto stood eyes averted from Rei's, teeth worrying his lower lip. 

"Rei, I'm... I'm sorry." His eyes shifted towards the ground, still unwilling to look the hungover boy in the face. "I really didn't mean what I said, and I don't expect you to forgive me, and there's really no excuse for what I've done-"

The words poured out of his mouth as he let loose all the thoughts and feelings pent up in his head over the past few weeks.

"-I understand if you don't want to see me again, and I don't blame you," he laughed, weakly and half-heartedly, "I don't really want to see me again either."

"Mako-"

"I'm just going to let you alone now, so just leave the key on the table when you leave."

Makoto turned to leave.

 

**Butterfly**

Rei's arm shot out before any of the rest of him could react.

This ended in a two-man pile on the floor of Makoto's bedroom because unfortunately, drinking yourself into a stupor when you're a lightweight kind of makes your limbs nonfunctional first-thing in the morning.

"Rei, let me go-"

"No!" Rei shouted, instantly regretting his unconscious decision to raise his voice as the volume of his own voice sent a splitting ache through his head. "I forgive you."

 

**Orca**

Makoto couldn't believe it. Why would Rei forgive him when he was such an awful person? Why would Rei forgive him so fast when he'd possibly never forgive himself?

"Wh-why? Aren't you mad at me?" He asked, bewildered.

"Yes, yes I am."  _ Oh, okay. _ "Frankly, I was quite hurt."  _ Understandable _ . 

Rei's eyes locked with his, and Makoto could see a sense of determination and resolve in them. Or anger, it was kind of hard to tell.

"But I know you would never mean to hurt me. I know you, and that isn't you." Rei sat up straight as a board, one hand adjusting his glasses in that adorably dorky way that he always did as he extended his other. "So... Shall we forgive and forget?" 

Makoto's face broke out into a smile as he let out a relieved chuckle and shook Rei's extended hand. "God, I love you."

 

**Butterfly**

_ What now? _

 

**Orca**

"I mean I uh..." Makoto's ears tinged pink as he struggled to find words.  _ Word... Thought... Feeling... Yes? _  Words were failing him. But then again he'd probably failed them in the past too. 

Finding no plausible excuse, Makoto made a split-second decision to just be honest and probably suffer the consequence of that.

"The reason I was so upset was... Because... I was..... jealous....... of Kisumi..........." Makoto could feel his face burn and his voice waver, but he pressed on. "And I've never really felt jealous so... I reacted very badly… I’m sorry…  And I said things I definitely didn't mean... And I realized..."

Makoto took a deep breath.

"That I really like- no, love- you."

The room fell into an awkward silence.  _ Oh no. What have I done. _

Makoto’s eyes fixated on a loose piece of fluff on the floor as his mind raced to a billion different conclusions all at the same time.  _ Oh my goodness, Rei hates me. He thinks it’s weird that I love him and we can never be friends again because he’ll hate me. Of course he’ll hate me,  _ I _ hate me right now. _

“Me too.”

Makoto looked up, eyes bewildered, to meet Rei’s. The younger man’s eyes were slightly hazy from his hangover, but honest and unwavering. 

“I love you too.”

 

 

-A little while later, like at least a year or something-

 

 

**Butterfly**

 

The two sat in a coffee shop, one devotedly taking notes into a thick notebook laden with sticky notes, and the other being well… A general bother.

“Reiii, you haven’t gone out with me in  _ weeks _ , you’re being no fun!” Nagisa whined, burying his face in Rei’s sleeve and vigorously shaking it back and forth, probably getting his face oils all over the fabric. 

“Nagisa, I’ve told you already that I have a lot to keep up with.” Rei replied coolly, flipping another page in his textbook as he tried to take notes with the arm that Nagisa had in a death grip. “Two part-time jobs and a new major doesn’t leave you with a lot of time.”

“Booo. I’m sure if you spent less time with Makoto you’d have some time to spend with me.” Nagisa gave up on holding onto the captive arm and let it go, moving back to the seat across from Rei. 

“He’s my boyfriend.” Rei punched some numbers into a calculator and continued writing, not once looking up.

“And I’m your  _ best _ friend, I should like, take precedence.” Nagisa took a long sip from his 3-shot protein powder dark mocha frapp with extra chocolate chips, five pumps of caramel syrup, four pumps of mocha sauce, extra whipped cream, heavy cream instead of milk, with extra mocha drizzle.

Rei said nothing, continuing with his work.

  
  


**Orca**

 

Makoto sat in the staff room, going through a gradually dwindling stack of papers, red felt pen in hand. There was a soft knock at the door, followed by a small ‘excuse me’ and a scuffling of steps.

“I’m almost done, just give me a few minutes to finish up.” Makoto smiled at the visitor, giving Rei a brief peck on the nose. 

  
  


**Butterfly**

 

Rei sat himself in the empty chair. There was no one else in the staff room at this time, the kindergarten letting out early in the afternoon and the other teachers having long lost the motivation to stay much longer past sunset. He let himself relax into the seat, his feet weary and aching from a long day of part-times. He felt himself start to drift off…

 

**Orca**

 

“Rei… Rei.” Makoto gently shook Rei awake. The boy slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking up at Makoto blearily. Makoto felt his heart skip a beat.  _ How cute. _ “Ready to go home?”

Rei smiled up at him with a soft nod and Makoto nearly had a heart attack.

“Student teaching sounds tough.” Rei commented as they walked home, shoulders lightly touching and breath cloudy in the chilly night air. Makoto laughed a little.

“It is, but it’s worth it.” He put a light arm around Rei, pulling him closer.

“Ah, it’s you!” A small voice and a hand to match called out to them, belonging to a familiar small, silver-haired boy. Man. Makoto often forgot Ai wasn’t twelve. “Rei, Makoto, how’ve you been?”

Ai had his arms hooked around the arm of a tree trunk of a man with piercing blue eyes, who Makoto recognized as the other bartender from The Rockhopper.

  
  


**Butterfly**

“We’ve been well, thank you.” Rei replied.

“Oh! This is my boyfriend, Sousuke.” Ai gestured to tree man with a tilt of his head. “I don’t think you’ve met, I haven’t seen you at the bar in a while!”

“Yeah, I’ve stopped drinking.” Rei laughed sheepishly. “Sorry I haven’t come in for a while.”

“It’s okay! Feel free to drop in any time though, just to hang out!” Ai chirped. “See you around!”

A few minutes later Rei and Makoto reached their apartment, kicking off their shoes and shedding their heavy coats. Rei headed for the bedroom, letting himself sprawl out onto the mattress on the floor. He let out a groan of satisfaction as he felt his back realign. He laid there for a few moments, just idly staring at the ceiling decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars arranged in constellations, some real and some made-up, like the ominous looking penguin Haru had put up while helping them move in.

Suddenly, a heavy knit blanket obscured his vision and a soft chuckle hit his ears. Rei sat up, arranging the blanket around his legs. 

“Coffee?” Makoto held out a mug decorated with purple butterflies. Rei gratefully accepted it, taking a sip.  _ Cream and two sugars. Perfect. _

Makoto joined Rei under the blanket with his own cup of coffee, and Rei snuggled himself against the larger man, savoring the warmth he gave off. 

Their small one-bedroom apartment had an ancient radiator that hardly looked like it would work without igniting something, but the coziness of the two of them with their hot coffees was far preferable anyways. Since detaching himself from his family, Rei had to work for his own living and school expenses, and the tiny shared apartment was the most he could afford. But he wouldn’t have it any other way. He was happy, at last. No nagging feelings of guilt or obligation, or the stress of working toward an unwanted career. Despite his crammed schedule, Rei felt his life was at peace.

“Makoto.” The brown haired man turned his head to look at him, and was met with a kiss. “I love you.”

Makoto smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling in that way Rei loved.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's done!!!! after like.. 4 years
> 
> i'm so sorry it took so long to finish but it's finished!
> 
> Still pondering whether or not there should be an epilogue/side story sort of thing. Or an explicit sort of side thing, because this entire thing was surprisingly tame.


End file.
